Dear You
Hello,
I recognize that this is probably kind of weird that I’m writing you, especially while we’re on a break. But I’m finding not talking to you really hard. I mean, I knew it would be, but it’s even harder than I anticipated. Little things in my day happen and I want to text you to tell you about them. Then I remember we’re taking time off from one another and that I can’t. I find it really sad and hard, but I’m not sure how you’re handling it, which is also hard. Basically, I’m just saying that this whole break business is difficult.
Granted, I think it was probably for the best. I was being, I don’t want to say over-sensitive because I think a lot of what I was feeling was warranted, but I wasn’t really getting over it and I was dwelling. Then I would just get more agitated and upset every time we spoke. I think by not talking to one another it a) reminds me of the fun things we shared and b) gives me space to recuperate and think about things.
I’m sure at this point you’re wondering why I’m writing you a letter. Well I’m doing it for a few reasons:
1. I miss you.
2. I want to tell you about all the things I see that make me think of you.
3. There are some things I tried to explain to you and tell you while we were talking that never came across properly. I thought writing it down would be the best way to convey what I was feeling.
I’ll start with the fun things that have made me think of you thus far…
~ I just learned that in Tokyo there are cat cafes where you can go and pet cats for an hourly fee. I know how much you love cats and how badly you want to go to Tokyo, so of course I thought of you.
~ Yesterday there was a Jeep on campus and it had the same tire cover as your sister’s Jeep. Then I thought of putting it on with your sister and your mom… and how much fun I had in Pittsburgh.
~ My internship is two avenue blocks and two streets away from the theatre where ‘Book of Mormon” is playing. I thought of how we tried to rush tickets and how badly you want to see it.
~ At dinner tonight my mom said, “They made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.” My dad then quoted The Godfather. I still know all the words from that one quote because of you. I would, ideally, like to see it with you one day.
~ I keep making that weird noise that you used to say was cute.
~ I saw my dogs today and I was so excited. I thought of Maya and how much you love your dog.
~ I was shopping today and Clint Eastwood by the Gorillaz came on.
I’m sure there are more, but those are all the ones I remember right now. It’s been five days since we last spoke, but I wanted to tell you them anyway. Even if in the end we don’t wind up staying together. I still smile, even now while we’re on a break, when I think about that stuff.
That’s actually the hardest part for me, not knowing if things are going to be okay between us when we see each other again. Even if things are okay while we’re together or when we initially see each other, I’m terrified that things will just fall apart days or hours later and we won’t be together anymore. I’m not scared in the way that I described to you a couple weeks ago, where I’ll cease living without you in my life, but I’d just rather have you there. You are my best friend in spite of how shitty things have been recently. But, I digress; this is not a love letter, nor is it a plea for us to stay together.
I wanted to explain to you how I was feeling when we kept fighting. I don’t know why I couldn’t properly convey those feelings to you. It could have been that I was too hurt or frantic or hysterical. It could have been that you were too defensive. It could have been that it was just too fresh to really talk about at that point in time. I’m willing to bet it’s some combination of the three (and I hope you don’t take that offensively).
Let me first explain that when I’m upset about anything, whether it has something to do with you or not, I want to be listened to. I want to be validated. I understand and fully recognize that I obsess needlessly, especially about things that are out of my control. But that’s who I am and that’s what I do. Nonetheless it upsets me in a different way when I’m cut off in the middle of my pointless, crazy rant.
It upsets me even more when someone points out that obsessing doesn’t make anything better. Iknow that, but it helps in some strange way regardless. If on the occasion that I am upset with you specifically all I want is an unprompted, sincere apology. That would most situations a lot better, right from the start.
Before I go on I realize this is unfair to you. I am breaking our no speaking rule. Not only am I breaking that rule, but I am also explaining myself without any chance for you to respond. For that I’m sorry. I just felt that if I didn’t write it down then I would never get the chance to explain my feelings. Or I would get caught up, or confused, or distracted and not get the chance. Frankly that’s not fair to me and I think that’s partially how we got to where we are. I forgot or chose not to explain to you how I was feeling or why I was feeling whatever it was.
At this point I’ve yet to decide if I’m actually going to mail this to you. I don’t know if I’ll give it to you on Friday when I see you in. Or mail it to you on Wednesday so you get it on Friday. Or if I’ll just mail it to you on as soon as I finish so you get it days before we see one another again. I feel like all of them seem a little selfish. I’m sorry if you think this is unfair. And I’m sorry that I’m cheating the rule. But, of course, you’re free to stop reading whenever you want. Who knows, you may have even stopped already.
Regardless I want to explain, even if it’s to the empty space, why I was so upset and how I got there. You had three girls sleep in your bed, and I know it was for the right reasons and I knowthat nothing happened. I know you didn’t mean to upset me. It hurt my feelings though. I think I blew it slightly out of proportion, but my feelings were genuinely hurt. I know you didn’t even sleep in the same bed, but it still bothers me. While I understand that you needed to explain where you were coming from and I understood and related to everything you said to explain the situation, I think it’s the reception of the action not the intent that matters. Even though you didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, it still happened and everyone deserves an apology when his or her feelings get upset regardless of whether it was intended or not. After you explained yourself, even though I do see your valid point, I feel that I deserved an apology if I was that upset. I recognize that seems ridiculous to you, but my feelings were hurt.
Because my feelings were hurt I felt a deserved an apology and at no point did you apologize until I prompted you. I think that is why I blew up the whole situation. It more hurt my feelings that you didn’t apologize to me until I suggested it. And even when you apologized it didn’t appear to be sincere which also hurt my feelings. I didn’t want you apologize for the action, I wanted you apologize because in the process you hurt my feelings.
I guess I also got to a point where I felt like you didn’t care about me any more. Or I guess I knew on some leve you cared about me in some way, but at some point I stopped feeling like you cared about me as a girlfriend and starting caring about me like I was just another one of your friends. I was struggling with that a lot. I felt we weren’t spending very much time alone together. For the periods of time we were together at some point you would suggest that we invite your friends or go hang out with your friends. I recognized that you were trying to reconcile the obligation of hanging out with me with hanging out with your friends. I appreciate that you didn’t cancel or bail on me and instead tried to include be but at the same time I wanted to seeyou. I wanted to hang out with you. The times we were together we would cuddle or take a nap, but we never really talked or did anything. So I started to feel like we never talked. I again recognize that you’re busy and I’m busy too. But we didn’t text as much. Which sucked, then we couldn’t really talk on the phone because our schedules are so different. We don’t email. Snail mail is, in all honestly, outdated and kind of useless. So I just started to feel like we didn’t talk, so I would console myself by telling myself that we would talk when I saw you. But we didn’t and then we would hang out with your friends. And it sucked.
You would explain to me that you wanted to see your friends so often because you sometimes don’t know if people really like you or if people genuinely wanted to see you. So you wanted to capitalize on those opportunities when you had them. I understood that, and I relate to that. But what about me? I always wanted to see you or talk to you or hang out with you, and at some point you started taking that for granted. That also started to make me not feel special.
